Managing expectations and flexibility

Expectations in planning and preparation for parenthood

Expectant parents might have expectations of themselves, including:

• I am used to a lot of responsibility, so this will be easy
• The baby’s routine will fit around mine
• I am used to not getting much sleep so I will be fine
• While the baby sleeps, I’ll be able to get other tasks done
• I will automatically fall in love with my baby
• Parenting is natural so I will know what to do
• I’ve wanted to become a parent so much, I know it will make me happy

People who set high or unrealistic standards for themselves may already be familiar with the term “perfectionism”. Having high standards can be useful in some settings and can help you excel at what you do. However, parenting can be unpredictable, making it difficult to meet high expectations. This can lead to feelings of failure, frustration, and low self-esteem. Research shows that in some cases this can also contribute to higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression after birth.

Everyone holds some expectations about parenthood. However, adjusting any unrealistic expectations and preparing to be flexible can make the transition to parenthood smoother.

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Flexibility in planning and preparation for parenthood

Pregnancy and early parenthood are an exciting yet unpredictable time. To help parents manage unpredictability, it is important to include flexibility in planning and decision-making. Parents may need to change their plans around many things due to circumstances that are out of their control.  It is normal to feel disappointed and worried if this happens, however, recognising that this is part of the parenting experience can help new parents adapt to changes without feeling a sense of failure. It may even be good practice for parenthood, as things can change daily!

Flexible thinking and planning are useful when considering topics such as birth plans, parental leave, feeding and settling, routine and domestic tasks.  

Examples of flexible thinking can include

• Having ideas about the ideal birth, but being open to changing that plan if needed
• Not being able to control how the baby feeds and sleeps, so adjusting the routine as needed, such as going for a walk with the carrier and getting fresh air if they are not settling in cot
• Planning for social activities but pre-warning friends or family that timing may need to change depending how the day is going

If the thought of having to change plans brings up feelings of distress, this might be a topic to discuss with a trusted friend, family member or a health professional.

Amidst the joys and celebration, new parenthood can sometimes feel hard, and most new parents need some time to adjust to their new role. Life will look and feel significantly different during the settling in period, over the first year and beyond.