We’ve all heard of the term ‘Terrible Twos’ which is typically used to describe the developmental stage of children between the ages of 18 months to 3 years. Although this a totally normal part of a child’s development, this stage can be particularly challenging for parents and at times quite, well, terrible!
The ‘terrible twos’ certainly get a bad rap but, what is so ‘terrible’ about this phase? Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years of age (sometimes sooner, sometimes later), a child is making giant leaps in their language, emotions and independence. During this time, we can expect to see a range of behaviours including:
Tantrums…often!
Children are starting to develop skills to help them regulate emotions but they’re not quite there yet, leading to frustration and meltdowns. Adults parenting children of this age might also notice that their own emotional regulation skills could do with some work!
A new word…’NO!’
Speaking of language development, this is one word they learn fast. A strong desire for independence means toddlers may say "no" frequently, refuse to follow instructions, or resist routines.
Emotional puddle jumping
Rapid emotional development can make for unstable and unpredictable moods. Children might be cheerful one minute and unhappy or grumpy the next.
Pushing boundaries
Sometimes we all need to push limits to explore the world and children of this age have a lot of exploring to do. This can manifest as throwing, not doing what has been asked of them, hitting, running away or refusing to share.
Separation anxiety
Confusingly, despite their drive for independence, children of this age still depend on a strong attachment to their caregiver, a secure base from which to explore. Being separated from this base can cause a lot of anxiety and distress.
Another sleep regression?
Resisting naps, transitioning to a ‘big bed’, separation anxiety and increasing curiosity can lead to some sleep disturbances. Just when you might be starting to get a bit more sleep, it’s shaken up again!
Escape artistry
Increased curiosity means you might need to keep a closer eye on your child as they become quite adept to escaping, hiding and climbing.
Phew! It’s exhausting just reading about it, isn’t it? Managing challenging behaviour on top of balancing other responsibilities can be hard for a lot of parents. Developing a better understanding of these behaviours can be helpful in coping with them.
"...young children struggle to manage their impulses, making tantrums a natural part of growing up.
Some theories about the ‘Terrible Twos’
Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a psychiatrist and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, explains toddler behaviour through brain development. He describes the ‘Upstairs Brain’ (responsible for reasoning and emotional regulation) and the ‘Downstairs Brain’ (which handles strong emotions and instinctive reactions). Since the prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until adulthood, young children struggle to manage their impulses, making tantrums a natural part of growing up.
Psychotherapist Philippa Perry prefers calling this stage the ‘Terrific Twos,’ highlighting how toddlers are discovering their independence. She encourages parents to foster resilience and autonomy while maintaining structure and boundaries. The ‘Circle of Security’ approach echoes this, viewing tantrums as expressions of unmet emotional needs rather than bad behaviour. This perspective emphasizes the importance of secure relationships and repairing moments of conflict with understanding and connection.
With so much parenting advice available, it can be overwhelming to navigate this stage. In this article, we explore how mindfulness can support both parents and children through the ups and downs of toddlerhood.
"The goal of mindfulness is not to stop uncomfortable feelings or unhelpful thoughts..."
What is mindfulness?
You’ve probably heard of the word mindfulness before but might not be sure what it really means or how to practice it. The practice of mindfulness is deeply rooted in ancient spiritual and philosophical traditions (e.g. Hinduism and Buddhism). More recently, modern psychology has incorporated mindfulness practices in the treatment of mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression and as a tool for improving general well-being.
Mindfulness, in both ancient and modern practices, has 4 key principles:
- Present-Moment Awareness: A focus on the here and now.
- Nonjudgment: Observing experiences without labelling them as good or bad.
- Compassion: Cultivating kindness toward oneself and others.
- Acceptance: Embracing experiences just as they are.
What’s the science behind mindfulness?
Mindfulness has been gaining attention for its incredible benefits on both the mind and body. Scientists have found that practicing mindfulness can actually change the brain in ways that support emotional well-being. One key discovery is the Default Mode Network (DMN), a brain system that becomes active when our minds wander or ruminate. Too much DMN activity is linked to stress and overthinking, but mindfulness has been shown to quiet this network, helping us feel more present and less caught up in negative thought patterns.
Brain imaging studies also reveal that mindfulness can physically reshape the brain. Research shows that regular practice increases grey matter in areas related to learning, memory, and emotional regulation, such as the hippocampus. It also strengthens connections between the amygdala (which processes emotions) and the prefrontal cortex (which helps with decision-making and self-control), improving emotional balance. Long-term practitioners even show greater thickness in the prefrontal cortex, a region crucial for focus and resilience.
Beyond the brain, mindfulness benefits the entire body. Studies link it to lower stress hormone levels, reduced blood pressure, better sleep, and even a stronger immune system. Psychologically, it helps manage anxiety, improve attention, and foster self-compassion. Whether you're navigating pregnancy, postpartum challenges, or dealing with the terrible twos, mindfulness offers a simple yet powerful tool to support mental and physical well-being.
"Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years of age...a child is making giant leaps in their language, emotions and independence."
So how can mindfulness help me?
Spend a moment considering your parenting values. If your child had the vocabulary to do so, how would you like them to describe you? In 10-20 years from now, how would you like them to remember how you parented them? Do you ever find that reactivity, frustration and distraction take you away from being the parent you want to be?
Practising mindfulness helps us to stay present and patient. It can help us to meet whatever arises (e.g. a behaviour or emotion) without judgement and can give us a moment to pause and make a choice about how we respond, rather than reacting in ways be might later regret. Mindfulness can help us to be fully present with our child (without distraction) and gives us some skills to manage stress and anxiety.
The goal of mindfulness is not to stop uncomfortable feelings or unhelpful thoughts, but to develop greater awareness of our present moment experience to help us to make better choices.
Mindfulness practices
A mindfulness practice does not to have to be a long one. Just a few minutes a day, several times a day can be helpful. Some practices you might include are:
1. Breathing exercises
- Focus on one breath: whenever you notice you’re distracted or trying to do a million things at once, pause and pay close attention to just one breath. You might notice the sensation of the breath entering and leaving the nostrils or the rise and fall of the belly.
- Square breathing: visualise the four sides of a square. Breath in for a count of four, visualising one side of the square. Hold the breath for a count of four as you visualise the next side of the square. Breathe out for a count of four, visualising the next side and hold for four as you close the square. Continue for a few rounds.
- Lengthening the exhale: it is believed that our exhale stimulates the parasympathetic branch of our nervous system which is responsible for states of rest and digest. Silently count your inhale (maybe to 3 counts) and then add 1 or 2 counts to the exhale, making it a little longer.
2. Body scan
Scan your body from the crown of the head all the way down to the feet and notice any sensations that arise - tightness, tension, pressure, temperature and energy levels, for example.
3. ‘Noticing’
A common practice in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is ‘noticing’ thoughts and feelings. Take a moment to stop and notice your thoughts without judgement. See how it feels to say, ‘He never does as he is told’ vs ‘I notice I’m having the thought that he never does as he is told’. The practice of noticing can put our thoughts into perspective and allow us to make a choice about what we do next rather than reacting.
We can also notice something about our child that is separate to the challenging behaviour- a cute curl of hair, a soft ear or tiny hand. Doing so can remind us of their vulnerability and allow us to respond more compassionately.
4. Bracketing
Sometimes strong feelings arise when we are parenting. This could be frustration, guilt or grief. The practice of bracketing allows us to notice our feelings and put them in ‘brackets’ while we attend to our child’s needs. When things have settled and we have a moment, we can address what we bracketed with self-compassion and care.
5. Compassionate hand
This is another tool used in ACT. When you notice a sensation arise in the body as a result of strong emotion (e.g. chest tightness or butterflies in the tummy) place your hand on this place. This act provides physical soothing and a reminder to treat ourselves with warmth and kindness.
6. Balance
Try to stand on one leg. Find a still point to focus on and take some slow and steady breaths. Balancing is great for bringing us into the present moment.
7. Put your phone in another room!
Take an intentional break from your phone from time to time.
"...put our thoughts into perspective and allow us to make a choice about what we do next rather than reacting."
Mindfulness practices that you can do with your child
1. Breathing
Teach your child how to take some slow deep breaths by putting their favourite toy on their lower belly and give the toy a ride by taking some deep belly breaths.
2. Listening
Lie down together and close your eyes. Listen carefully to sounds both near and far and share what you hear.
3. Humming
A great way to lengthen the exhale and encourage relaxation is to take a breath in and hum the length of your exhale. You can play a game to see how long each of you can hum for.
4. Singing
Children love to sing and to hear you sing. Singing also regulates the breath and brings us to the present.
5. Listen to an app
Find a peaceful spot to listen to a guided, child-friendly mindfulness meditation together.
6. Get physical!
Sometimes we need to meet ourselves and our children where we/they are. If energy levels are high, start with something physical like dancing, jumping or running and then start to settle into something quieter.
Tips for success
There really is no right or wrong way to bring awareness to the present moment, but like anything regular practice helps. Start small and build from there. Be kind to yourself and remember that we all get it wrong from time to time. Practices that foster connection and are fun and flexible are more likely to become long time habits.
Try for yourself and see if mindfulness helps you to respond to the challenges of the ‘Terrible Twos’ with greater calm and ease. You might also notice that your child learns some great skills from you too.
Further info
Apps for mindful parenting
- Headspace – Offers guided meditations, including ones specifically for parenting stress and mindful family moments.
- Calm – Features meditation, sleep stories, and breathing exercises to help parents reduce stress.
- Smiling Mind – A free app with mindfulness exercises tailored for different age groups, including parents.
- Insight Timer – A free app with thousands of guided meditations, including topics like mindful parenting and self-compassion.
References
Articles
Desbordes, G., Negi, L.T., Pace, T.W., Wallace, B.A., Raison, C.L., & Schwartz, E.L. (2012) ‘Effects of mindful-attention and compassion meditation training on amygdala response to emotional stimuli in an ordinary, non-meditative state’, Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6, p. 292.
Hölzel, B.K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S.M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S.W. (2011) ‘Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density’, Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), pp. 36-43.
Lazar, S.W., Kerr, C.E., Wasserman, R.H., Gray, J.R., Greve, D.N., Treadway, M.T., McGarvey, M., Quinn, B.T., Dusek, J.A., Benson, H., Rauch, S.L., Moore, C.I., & Fischl, B. (2005) ‘Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness’, NeuroReport, 16(17), pp. 1893-1897.
Raichle, M.E., MacLeod, A.M., Snyder, A.Z., Powers, W.J., Gusnard, D.A. and Shulman, G.L., 2001. A default mode of brain function. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 98(2), pp.676-682.
Taren, A.A., Creswell, J.D., & Gianaros, P.J. (2015) ‘Dispositional mindfulness co-varies with smaller amygdala and caudate volumes in community adults’, NeuroImage, 110, pp. 95-103.
Books
Christopher, G. (2015) Mindful parenting: Simple and powerful solutions for raising creative, engaged, happy kids in today’s hectic world. San Francisco: New Harbinger Publications.
Gonzalez, C. (2017) The mindful parent: Strategies from peace-loving parents for raising creative, confident, and compassionate kids. New York: HarperOne.
Kabat-Zinn, M. & Kabat-Zinn, J. (2014) Everyday blessings: The inner work of mindful parenting. New York: Hachette Books.
Markham, L. (2012) Peaceful parent, happy kids: How to stop yelling and start connecting. New York: Perigee Books.
Napthali, S. (2019) Buddhism for mothers: A calm approach to caring for yourself and your children. London: Atlantic Books.
Perry, P. (2019) The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did). London: Penguin Life.
Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T.P. (2011) The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press.
Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T.P. (2014) The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. New York: Ballantine Books.
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