How to have a 'check-in' conversation with expectant and new parents

If you know an expectant or new parent there are many ways to offer support. It can be hard to know where to start. It can also be stressful when you can see someone is struggling and you’re not sure how to approach them or help.

If you are having a difficult time, it can be hard to even recognise, let alone acknowledge it yourself. It is often others who notice changes in you before you do.

Stigma and shame can also delay reaching out for support.  

It is one of the most vulnerable times in a person’s life. There are many support options available, so please don’t delay.  

Here are some ideas to start a conversation.  

• “Hi, I would really like to be able to help you right now. I can see it’s hard. How are you really feeling?”
• “Thank you for telling me how you are. It means alot and what you are going through is really tough. Is there anything I can do right now for you?”
• “Would it be okay if I checked in on you in a few days?”  
• “What would be most helpful at the moment?”

Asking your daughter or son

It can be tough to watch your daughter or son adjusting to parenthood if they seem overwhelmed. You could reflect on your own experience to open up a discussion or tell them about what they were like as a baby. Being open and honest whilst offering reassurance may also help. You could also ask what help they might need, whether it be some practical support or just a hug.

Asking your friend / other family member

Sometimes walking and talking can be less confronting, which can allow them to open up. Check in often, offer times to connect and give them space to respond. If you can ask them “How is it going being a parent?”, or share a funny story of your own, this might also encourage them to start talking. Validate their feelings and listen attentively.

Asking your partner

A weekly catch up where there are limited interruptions might be a good time to really ask how your partner is going. Make a regular time to do this, a scheduled time, and you can plan around it. If something unexpected comes up, organise another time. Phones are best kept away for this time to connect. Make space to offer support, ideas, or just being a good listener.

Conversations like the above are not always easy and could lead to some tension or conflict. Maybe that person does not want to talk or feels embarrassed about it. Maybe they have not told anyone else or maybe they think talking about it may make them feel worse.  

We have to go at their pace and give them some sense of control unless there are any immediate dangers.

If conflict arises it is usually around the following: recognition, respect, control, trust, care and power. (Esther Perel)  

The following can be helpful for conflict resolution:

• Give them some space and check in on them in a few days.
• If things get too heated, take a break and organise another time to re-connect.  
• Apologise if you have said/done anything hurtful, take responsibility and allow time to heal.
• Acknowledge your part in it if appropriate and put forward some ideas to make it better.  
• Give them time to process what you have said.  
• Make time to re-connect.  

Asking yourself

If you notice changes in yourself then take some quiet time, reflect on how you are feeling and be patient with yourself as you settle into this expectant or new parenting space. Recognise and label the emotions. If what you normally do is not helping you feel better, then reach out to a trusted friend or family member so they can help you get further support. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, at Gidget Foundation Australia we know it is hard but view it as a sign of strength!